Days of Sadness

I’m not going to lie.

I’ve been really good lately. To say that i’ve been working through all this would be an understatement. I’m head first, knee deep and everything in between on this so far.

I’ve been asking myself great thought provoking questions around my thoughts, feelings and emotions. Some have provided me with deep insights into why I may be taking this harder on some days than others.

Today though, I fell from grace.

I had a moment, or seven, where I couldn’t get past this feeling. Where I had visions of you not caring and off living your life and not thinking twice. It was la-tee-da at it’s finest.

And then I said to myself, its only been a few days. Give yourself some breathing room my man.

I guess i’ve just been so focused on the moving on part, I forgot to check myself into reality. You can’t spend years of your life with someone and think it’s going to take days to move past that deepness. In reality, what did you have if that was the case? If you found yourself moving on in a snap.

There’s a whole host of shit that would need to be worked through if that was the case. And I’m glad it’s not…for me at least.

I get some people reach a snapping point and just say fuck it. I never got there. I don’t know if i’ll get there.

And I have delusions of you sitting on that side trying to read my notes. Trying to poke into my head and world at a moments glance. So I made the password as easy as you could find. Something you write every day. Something you’ve known since forever. For every single one.

But I am delusional because…she doesn’t care.

She’s over it.

She’s moved on.

She’s doesn’t even have a single thought of me throughout the day.

So I write these notes to myself.
As a way to break free from the pain in my heart. As a way to shed light in this dark. As a way to believe in everything I am and everything I am becoming regardless of who doesn’t see it for it’s true beauty.

Some days are just days where I have to let the sadness in. I have to accept that this pain means it was incredibly real. It was incredibly deep, and incredibly so much fucking fun.

Every single moment together.