The Young Owl Blog

Kinda hard to wrap your head around. And unfortunately, I can’t even explain it to anyone.

One day it’s I love you and I miss you.

The literal next day it’s good bye.

I would ask myself how but the words were more cutting than ever before, it was pretty obvious.

In fact, when someone you love so damn much turns around and tells you that you were only there because it was comfortable, it’s like being branded with a hot cattle iron on the insider of your soul.

As if comfortable wasn’t enough, what followed was routine and…familiar.

Like a god damn box of cornflakes. A commodity.

I never learned and I paid the price. Was it worth it?

Yes –

But I guess I value deep love and connection too much. I hate to admit it, but I love loving someone with everything I have. The problem is when it’s not for that someone you end up loving.

And I can still remember looking to those broken eyes so many years ago and promising myself that I would make her the happiest woman on the face of the earth.

I tried.

It just wasn’t what she wanted.

At least…not with me.

It was like an inside joke.

One that everyone else knew but me.

And the truth is, I hesitated to share this at all because I was…preserving???

Hesitant, scared, still trying to be the nice guy I’ve always been. Holding out some sort of hope???

Hopeless hope?

Who knows.

To say that I was internally preserving would mean two things that really aren’t true.

The first being that she even cares. Not true.

And the second being that she would even care enough to search out this and read my words.

We know both are not true.

And by we, I just mean me and the cursor.

So as I sat there, I thought this woman was just overly social. Yet, she kept checking in to see if I needed anything more.

And this went on until she asked me a simple question…”what do you like to do with Sunday mornings, besides come here?”

Then, the half joking, half serious co-worker intervened as if to say, don’t answer that, she needs to get back to work.

It was in that moment that I realized the joke was on me. This was premeditated.

Apparently I was the only one who didn’t know that this was actually her way of hitting on me.

But a funny thing happens when the only woman in the world that you really want, doesn’t want you.

Everyone else seems to sense the blood in the mug. It’s almost as if I was wearing a sign that said…enjoying my coffee alone today, conversations welcome.

I left not knowing whether to feel better or worse about myself in that moment.

But as the day went on I thought maybe I just need to not be so open, so honest, so direct with my thoughts.

Maybe honesty leads me into trouble.

I mean I’ve never been more honest than in the last few years and look where that one led.

Connection is not built into everyone you meet.

It’s not supposed to be. But there are levels to a game that cannot go unnoticed unless you are blind.

And desire is at the root of the connections that are beyond the surface. But there is something more intoxicating than that.

Being desired by someone is where human connection goes into overdrive. However the catch is that both levels of desire need to match one another.

For when someone looks into your eyes and communicates that they desire every piece of you, there are no walls, no closed off parts to who you are in that moment.

You are free to be anyone you want to be.

But the problem?

That connection and mutual desire is 0.1% in life.

And even when you look around every corner and see all those amongst you, no matter how many paths you cross, it’s still 0.1%

Like catching lightning in a bottle.

For a while, my heart pen was broken.

I had much to say but not much to write. I found myself negating everything I wanted to put down on paper. Realizing I wasn’t helping anything or anyone. And yet I kept remembering those last few words…” you didn’t do anything.”

Years of love ended with one text that read…”can we chat?”

Truthfully, I saw it coming down the barrel from a mile away. I think I just lost my way. But day after day I found myself settling for less. Pouring my heart out and going above and beyond, literally and figuratively.

And in return?

Ice.

But it’s normal to question everything when you’ve invested so much into someone for so long. Except, there was one key thing that was missing.

Finding yourself is one thing. Independence is something learned over time for sure. But if someone doesn’t ever come for you, doesn’t step up and ever say fuck it for you, then eventually you end up right where I am now.

All out of arrows.

We should all be so lucky.