Because I’m forever an optimist, my heart and my brain wrestled with what had just happened. It wasn’t confusion but more a moment of wow, I guess my ticket was getting punched this week. I wake up every day with this extreme sense of gratitude. Last week I woke up with the same gratitude but one could say it wasn’t as extreme as it should have been. Maybe there was a pause button being hit.
I understand the need for balance and can make excuses why somethings work out the way they are supposed to and others do not. Even as I finished that sentence it’s as if my brain said – stop you’re lying – everything does work out just as it’s supposed to be. But yet, last week I had no answers to losing not one but two forms of love that are irreplaceable.
They say enjoy each day, each moment and live in the present. I agree, but it doesn’t matter if you do, and here’s why. I have had plenty of “moments” and continue to have moments where I catch myself pausing at the wonderful nature of the person or thing I’m currently enjoying. I stop, I enjoy it and sometimes am in awe of that happiness in that present moment. It’s as if time stands still suspended at that moment. That, to me is truly living. However, even through all of this presence and gratitude, it doesn’t take away or lessen the pain one ounce after they’re gone.
Time doesn’t stand still and things move forward but it doesn’t make the suck any less. They say time heals and I know it does but we’d all rather it be different. They say how lucky are you to experience and appreciate something so wonderful that you can feel the sadness and pain of losing it. Maybe this is just their way of justifying and rationalizing how difficult it is to have a truly deep connection in your life and then in a moment, it’s all gone. We’re left to catch glimpses of what our memories can conjure up to fill the absolute bottomless pit in our souls.
You’re left thinking about what could have gone differently, what you could have done differently before catching yourself, and realizing that what you’re arguing for is against whatever divine order is. I am forever strong but sometimes life is just hard in moments. It’s those moments where I’ve come to appreciate my own mortality and find ways to convince my brain that this will get better. There’s a better plan on the horizon. It’s at this moment I have to lie to myself and tell myself it will all work out eventually. I know it will but sometimes these things just happen.
I find my level of confidence to be one of my superpowers but am grappling with the light that’s supposedly at the end of the tunnel. It’s a confusing mess right now. Sitting still becomes the nemesis and getting things done blunts the pain from hour to hour. However, despite my lack of preparation for this moment in time, I’m reminded that I don’t know how many sunrises I have left and that thought should be enough to snap me to. This is one moment in time that deserves appreciation even though it’s a bit of a challenge at the moment.