I don’t have anxiety. Well, maybe that’s not true. Let’s just say that the form of anxiety I get, I don’t pay much attention to or let in because I’m not one to use a crutch to make excuses for myself. My anxiety is one of a different kind that leads to a bit of mental paralysis. Here’s an example of a very common internal brain pattern for me.
Brain – you know you have to get this done before you do that other thing and make sure you finish the last project, don’t spend time worrying about this stuff, maybe I’ll just read to get things going or maybe I’ll feel guilty for reading because I’m supposed to be working on something, why am I working on something someone else should be doing, maybe I should take a minute or two to plan – ok let’s plan – there’s a fuck ton to do here, it’s ok I have all the time in the world (lying to my own brain) ok focus – we’ll finish the important stuff, as long as that important stuff gets done we’ll be heading in the right direction – what about the big picture stuff, what about fixing the broken piece on that door, did we ever hear back from so and so? What about so and so’s ass ache and inconsistencies lately, can anyone do anything around here? OK let’s get to work, oh wait, wtf is this email – they’re upset and need a response right now, an apology or explanation or something to make them feel special even though that was the rudest email I’ve ever received. Let’s get organized before this day slips away from you and you beat yourself up for not accomplishing all of the things on your to-do list. Does that list even do anything for you? Does it help or compound this situation? Maybe I’ll read for a moment to get the wheels going (as if they’re not spinning a million miles an hour as it is) – wait let me just check this one thing first.
All of that above happens in the span of 26 seconds in my head.
Some days I hate the internet. Other days I’m amazed at home much “stuff” I can get done because of it. My problem is I want the best. I get it, best is arbitrary and what’s great for me could be horrible for you but I’m a pretty good judge at why I choose certain things. Being the best, getting the best, finding the best takes time. We’re living in a time right now where every little thing is instant gratification. Have a question – the answer is one click away. You don’t have to wonder, you don’t have to hypothesize – just scroll and click. As if that wasn’t easy enough, someone on the internet has probably created a “hack” or “condensed summary” of the thing you needed to know so instead of 3 minutes it took you 30 seconds to find some superficial answer.
Someone probably went to college and has 40 years of real-life experience around a topic but because you’re a master of the click, you summed their take on it up in 30 seconds, less time than it takes for butter to melt in the microwave.
The internet is like the biggest flea market ever. You know the majority of it is shit, yet you walk around because “let’s just see what they have to offer” and then you’re completely sucked into some gypsies story about snake oil and how it cures cancer and diabetes at the same time. You’re welcome, you’ve officially arrived at the dumpster or reality mixed with bullshit.
However, the real challenge is that we can no longer close pandora’s box. We can no longer imagine a world without the flea market we call the internet. So we deal with the anxiety that ensues as a result of all of this “free” access to information. Nothing is free, there’s a debtor on every transaction. Some pay with the anxiousness of not getting enough done while others roam about life only worrying about what’s for dinner. Sometimes the need to get more done signals a point where I need to back up and be realistic. Most people wouldn’t attempt to read an article while listening to an audiobook, but I’ve tried it because I thought I could do more. I promise I’m not always like this, only when things get piled up and the feeling of getting organized or having everyone aligned seems like a crazy distant thought. It’s at this point I realize I need to pull back and ask the right questions. Additionally – sometimes the best question to ask is why does any of this even matter?